Today I found myself questioning some things. I'm a psychology major you see, and ironically most of what I know doesn't come from courses or textbooks. It's in my software. I was born with it. A gift from God, I would say. For the first time in a long long time, I am questioning what I know on therapy and coping and the like. And since I am at work and have four more hours of sitting here, let me share with you what's on my frontal lobes.
I've been reading a blog. An interesting one, in fact. The guy recently stepped down as a leader of a well renowned Christian organization. At least it's well known from where I am from. He is fairly well known around these parts, and I sure hope he never reads this post because I'm talking about his business.
Anyway, he fell. And he fell hard. That's what I get from his blog anyway. I don't know much about what happened. The words of his blog are my only account for what happened, and apparently he had a breakdown which resulted in his resignation. I believe he was the founder of the organization as well.
It's good literature really, a unique blend of comedic despondency. He can write quite well--uses big words. Big for me, anyhow. Odds are, you won't trip over my vocabulary. Not in this blog. He must have read a lot of books. You know what they say.
He started this blog which is basically dedicated to him getting his life back together. He gives his readers an account of his emotions, his struggles, and his doubts. Normally, I would encourage such behavior, but something doesn't sit well with me as I read through his posts.
Regardless of the fact that he stepped down from a leadership position, a role that he holds no more, the weight and the residue of that position sticks with him. After all, a former President of the United States is still addressed as President even if they aren't currently holding office. I believe that even though he's not a leader officially anymore, all eyes are still on him and his actions still carry a lot more weight than most "ordinary" individuals.
So when I read about how he's really ticked off at God and how it would suck to be him, something doesn't sit right with me. I can't explain it. It's difficult. It's not that I think that it's wrong to be mad at God. Or to express one's own feelings and trials. But to put it up for the world to see?
The spotlight shines on you as a leader. People are watching. And what's more, not everyone is going to understand what you are going through. Some might even misinterpret. I suppose you can't trust everyone to understand that what you are going through is temporary and to a certain degree, normal. You can't expect everyone to know that you hold uncompromisable truth inside of you, while anger and doubt are merely lurking on the surface.
And how do people start to feel about God when they read these things? Does it affirm what they have been struggling not to believe? That God is this merciless dictator that enjoys ripping everything away from us? That's not to say that God can be measured by how well His followers behave. God is God. And He is the epitome of good. But those of a weaker faith can look at you and it can just affirm them in the weakness of their faith or their view of God. How do our actions and the things we say affect our testimony?
I don't know. I just don't agree with how he is recovering from this. If writing is how he is going to cope and heal, it'd be wise to make it private. Others are watching.
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